My work as a celebrant and an end of life doula have many similar cross-over points. I meet people who are either grieving the death of a loved one or beginning to grieve part of themselves after having received a serious diagnosis.
Emotions in these situations can range from shock and sadness to fear and worry. There may even be feelings of relief and sometimes even anger shows up. As a society, we’re not used to dealing with such emotions and become unsure as to how we act around them. Whether it’s the person dealing with death or illness or the person who runs into someone grieving or dealing with their own health challenge, it can be difficult to know how to cope.
As grieving is a natural response to a loss, the person who finds themselves in that position will need support and a lot of patience. Yet what about the family, friend or colleague who hasn’t the experience and doesn’t know what’s expected of them – what can they do?
Knowing how to respond to someone who is sad – especially if our reaction to emotion spilling over is to shut it down – helps not only the person who is grieving but also ourselves. We don’t have to shut them down by saying that “everything will be okay” or “don’t cry” – that’s not what is expected of us anymore.
With that in mind, I’d like to share ten practical ways to support someone through grief.
1. Remember, it’s not personal and it’s nothing to do with you. That means that you can let them cry or show emotion without shutting them down. Be still, be quiet and wait… they know what to do.
2. Enquire. Ask their loved one’s name and if they want to tell you anything about them. Show them that you are listening and that you have time to listen. Remember to repeat their loved one’s name.
3. Don’t try to “fix” anything. There’s nothing wrong with grieving, it’s a natural response to loss and it does not need fixing. Instead, engage with the one who’s grieving, ask how they’re doing and let them show any emotion that comes up.
4. It’s okay to offer a hanky or a tissue. You don’t need to say anything, but if you have any tissues to hand, silently pass one over.
5. If you’re a hugger, ask before hugging – not everyone is like you. Hold back on full body hugs, it may be enough that you touch their hand or arm lightly. If you sense that a hug might be welcome, offer one, and allow them to decide.
6. Tune into yourself. How are you feeling with this news? Is it bringing up your own stuff? Do you need to get into that now or can it wait? Remember, you stopped and showed a willingness to listen to this person, has that now changed?
7. Even if you normally work with those who are grieving, what you are first is human and what this person needs is your presence, not your profession.
8. Don’t make false assertions or promises. Avoid telling someone that everything will be fine or that things happen for a reason. If their grief is connected to a diagnosis, remember that not everyone experiences illness as a battle. For many people, it is an uncertain and frightening experience, and what they need most is understanding rather than encouragement to “fight”.
9. Encourage them to share, to find the best support for whatever they’re going through. If you know of any suitable and useful organisations or groups, pass on the information. If there’s anything you will be able to support such as taking the dog for a walk, cooking a meal, shopping, sitting with them, offer to do so and keep your promise.
10. Be gentle on yourself. Remember what the pilot always tells us before we take off: put your own mask on first before you help someone else with theirs. Make self-care a priority and take care of your own feelings.
Even I forget number 10 sometimes. Over the past few days my own body has reminded me to slow down and make space for myself among all the caring I do.
I am not here to save anyone. I am here to serve. But I can only do that well when I also care for myself.
The same applies to you.
